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Laci Bean

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October 12 · Leave a Comment

A Letter to My 18 Year Old Self

Growth· Healing· Self Development· Trauma

Dear 18-year-old Laci,

I know you’re sad, hurt, and lonely. I’m sure you just got done writing the millionth journal entry about wanting to find your one true love. (Don’t worry, we keep them and get a good laugh each time we re-read them 12 years from now.)

Right now, is probably one of the toughest seasons of your life and I’m sorry you couldn’t read this 12 years ago. I know it would have really helped, but sine we don’t own a DeLorean or a flux capacitor this will have to do.

You know that man you dream of marrying? Well I’m so happy to tell you that you find him in the most beautiful and life-giving way. Not only do you guys get married, but God uses him and his family to save you from the ministry cult you joined.

I know it’s hard to call the ministry you’re in a cult, but once you escape and start looking in from the outside, you’re going to be able to see it for what it really is. A controlling, manipulative, and dysfunctional cult. Sorry to be blunt sister but it’s the truth. Walking away from them isn’t going to be easy by any means. It’s going to hurt, you’re going to lose “friends”, and part of your mistaken identity is going to disappear, but the freedom and relationships you get afterwards are beyond worth it. I promise.

Oh, and that list. Yeah, the one listing out all the things you wanted in a future husband. Well shockingly enough he fits every single one of them and he even purpose under the stars just like you dreamed. (No, he didn’t see the list until we were already married!)

You know Tory, you guys are just getting close but girl, she is a friend, a TRUE life-long friend. When you leave the cult, she’s going to be the only one that stands by you. She will continually speak life into your brokenness and comfort you in your grief. She’s the needle in a haystack kind of friend so keep her close no matter how far away you move from each other.

This relationship you have with God is surface right now, but as you grow, I promise you you’re going to develop a deeper more intimate relationship with Him and it will continually be life changing.

YOU CAN HEAR FROM THE LORD.

Let me say that again for you.

YOU CAN HEAR FROM THE LORD.

I know your “leadership” right now is great at making you think that they are the only ones who hear from the Lord, but boy are they wrong. Over the years after you leave you will start to learn how to hear and trust the Lord for yourself. It’s scary at times but for the most part it’s refreshing.

You remember how you had a passion and dream as a kid about traveling and getting to see beyond Texas? Surprise! In just 9 years of marriage you will move 11 times and 4 of those moves will be out of state. This in itself will teach you more about faith than any verse of the Bible or Christian self-help book. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, but it is 100% worth it.

These moves don’t just build your faith. They give you the opportunity to explore and take risks, something that right now is trying to be snuffed out of you. Don’t worry. They never succeed.

This may shock you, but you have 3 little girls of your own. THREE!

I know crazy. No boys, but God knows what he’s doing and you’re learning to trust him in every area of your life, even if it’s not what you imagined it would be like.

I know this is hard to talk about but it’s necessary. You know that childhood trauma you experienced that affected your entire life? Well I’m so happy to tell you that through inner healing, therapy, and time you begin to heal. It’s not easy. It takes a lot of commitment and more time than you ever imagined, but when you come out on the other side it’s a new level of freedom that I can’t wait for you to experience.

During college you’re searching for your identity, and as much as I wish I could say you find it quickly after getting married, you don’t. It takes years, but the moment you stop caring about what the outside world thinks and start being honest with who you are is the moment you find your identity. It’s coming and it’s glorious.

I know this time in college is not only hard but it’s weird. I’m here to tell you that you will come out of it stronger, more passionate, and more dedicated to truth and Jesus than ever before. It’s truly beautiful. The way you’ve grown and walked with the Lord is inspiring. I know it’s not over and if getting to 30 has been this much fun and life giving, I can’t wait to write you again in 12 years.

Sincerely,

30-year-old Laci

Pssst…. You know how you ALWAYS wanted a tattoo? By the time you’re 30 you’ll have 6 with 2 future appointments already scheduled to get more!

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Hello! I’m Laci…

Hi my name is Laci & I’m a deconstructing exvangelical who’s passionate about helping others heal from religious trauma and find what spirituality means to them. Read More….

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laci__bean

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#deconstruction #exvangelical #exvangelicals #exvangelicalbeliever #faithunraveled #sundayschoolstoriesyougotwrong #religioustraumasyndrome #religioustrauma #questioningfaith
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#peoplearegross #why #🤮 #landlordlife #notforme
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It’s been a hell of a few weeks and it’s not c It’s been a hell of a few weeks and it’s not close to ending, but every day we are getting a little more settled.
🖤
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🤦🏼‍♀️
Please send all the good thoughts, vibes, and prayers our way that this gets taken care of before our stuff arrives from ID or we will have to store our belongings and continue sitting on lawn chairs and sleeping on air mattresses. (I know, I know, 1st word problems.)
☁️
BUT DAMN!! Tennessee is BEAUTIFUL! Like drop dead gorgeous 
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This is me trying to step away from social media f This is me trying to step away from social media for a couple weeks. I may not be successful but it’s worth a shot. But please remember if you need me, my email is open and I will continue to check it regularly.
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Allow yourself the time to grieve and process. Allow yourself the time to grieve and process.
I grew up in small town Texas. Where everyone kno I grew up in small town Texas.

Where everyone knows everyone and somehow we are all inter-connected.

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These are the kinds of small towns that most people would never know exist, and the townspeople are more than happy to keep their hometown out of the public eye so they can preserve that small town feel.

These towns have a way of making you feel safe, that’s why many people call them home.

After I got married my parents moved to Uvalde for my dad’s work and lived there for a couple years.

The Uvalde house was the last place my mom, dad, and all my siblings and I spent Christmas together.

Uvalde is another one of those small Texas towns, but unfortunately everyone now knows this town.

But what they don’t know is how a tragedy like this impacts a small town.

It hits different.

Small towns people are inter-connected in a deep way.

Uvalde citizens are mourning the loss of their child, their child’s best friend(s), their child’s teacher whom they may have known for years or even grew up with. Teens and adults are mourning the loss of the child they babysat.

Some may be mourning all of the above at the same time.

I’m mourning for them. For complete strangers.

I have a child in public school and I can’t imagine experience this kind of trauma.

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They asked why but I didn’t tell them. I just said that there was something on the news that made me sad.

I know she will probably hear about it at school tomorrow and come home with questions.

I won’t know what to say. Just like I didn’t know what to say or how to explain the fact that we didn’t have ‘active shooter drills’ growing up like she does.

The reality is, this is her normal, because this is the new normal.

I hate it.

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#deconstruction #deconstructingfaith #deconstructingchristianity #religionshouldnthurt #toxicchristianity
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