Finding Peace When Questioning Your Beliefs

Like I’ve said before, when you start to question your beliefs and walk the road of deconstruction it can bring up a ton of different emotions and just a whirl wind at times. Finding peace during this season can take some time, so be patient with yourself. Here’s how peace entered my life, and maybe my story will help.

I’m still deconstructing, in a way. Some days I know what I believe, some days I’m agnostic, while other days I’m not sure God really exists.

But here’s the thing. I’ve found peace. I don’t feel the need to keep researching, digging into different perspectives of theology, or feeling like I need all the answers. At first, I thought I was being lazy or maybe avoiding going deeper into my deconstruction, but then I realized it’s actually growth. 

For so long as an evangelical Christian I never felt good enough. It felt like I was constantly on a journey searching for myself and Christian perfection but constantly being just out of reach. 

Maybe if I just pray more…
Maybe if I do a devotional…
Maybe if I read my Bible every day…
Maybe if I start a Blog about Faith & Motherhood…
Maybe…
Maybe…
Maybe…

I was constantly pushing myself to be a person that was never me. I beat myself up all the time for not being “good enough.” I needed to be more, do more, or say more to fall in line as the “perfect Christian wife and mom.” I was never at peace with me. Plain ole ME! 

So, when I got to the point in my deconstruction where I wasn’t devouring books anymore and didn’t feel the need to research out every little point of theology, shame started to creep in and I fell back into my old ways. 

But you must prove them wrong…
But you’re being lukewarm…
But do you still believe in God…
But what if you’re wrong…
But don’t you need to do more to find your worth…
But…
But…
But…

Then I realized what my mind was trying to label as complacency or laziness was actually peace. It was hard for me to recognize that feeling because I had spent my whole like striving for more and never feeling like it was enough. 

So, no I don’t have all the answers. I don’t think anyone does and I’m ok with that. I’m at peace with the mysteries of life and more importantly with myself. 

So how did I get here? 

The more I have thought back on this and tried to pinpoint something specific that helped me get here, I landed on The Bible, well me deconstructing the Bible.

For so long the Bible was used as a weapon against me. It’s what was used to fill me with shame over my sexuality and sexual desires. It was pointed to in order to show me just how much of a sinner and evil person I was the moment I came into this world. It was seen as the Holy Grail of truth and what it said goes. 

When I started to deconstruct the Bible, I learned just how many interpretations there are, how much of the Bible was left out, and how it had been translated and changed over and over and over again. All of this made me realize it wasn’t a black and white book like I was led to believe and it wasn’t a factual history book like I was taught. Over time I started to see the depth and beauty the Bible has to offer that we miss when reading it through a literal lens.  

This was kind of like a light bulb moment for me. 

I had lived my life striving to be someone that this book told me I should be. The moment that book was knocked down a few pedestals my world view began to open up and I started to ask myself, “What do you like?”

This opened my world up to things I had hidden away because I was taught, they were evil, demonic, or sinful. I started to explore life without shame, guilt, or fear. It’s been exciting and fun to explore a life that, for years, was off limits.

Little by little I dabbled in things that sparked interest in me. Astrology, tarot cards, screaming my love for Harry Potter, scarry movies, and so much more. Every time the shame got less and less and eventually peace came knocking. 

It’s weird, but honestly it felt as if I had been carrying the burden of religion and the Bible, but suddenly once I deconstructed it was as if a physical weight had been lifted off my chest. 

Growing up I gave religion the power to control my life and instill fear into me. For years I let that fear sink into the very being of who I was, but no more.  Things only have power over us when we give it to them. Deconstructing is you taking your power back.